Sunday, September 1, 2013

Welcome back to school!

Hey there people. I'm on a roll... spinning with inspiration! However, please forgive me. My posts are not separating into paragraphs like they should. I'm trying to figure it out, but let's face it, I am technologically inept. I'm still busy writing, and I must say, getting back to the school year will be quite helpful in the concepts and applications that I'm researching and writing about in my new excursion. With that, I changed my venue and have hit my favorite pub to write. I decided to start off the school year with a few additional suggestions of what is needed for class. It amazes me to see the lack of preparation that I have witnessed through the years, so grab a drink and let's discuss. Ah, the smell of fall in the air. Kids filling the halls, and the excitement of reconnecting is intense. So much inspiration, motivation and joy during the first week quickly turns into reality. Now I know that we all try to hit the ground running, try to demonstrate new organizational skills and start off on the right foot. Mine lasts about 3 weeks and the kids tend to hold the same timing. At first, they follow whatever rules are set, they bring the usual notebooks and pencils and other items that they need. However, there is a point where it breaks down. Younger students have an advantage because their parents still make sure they are well equipped... I personally thank the parents for that! But when it's time to let go of the reigns, there are things that are easily forgotten. My mother still nags me during my morning phone calls, yet I'm a professional adult. So let's get to it. 1. A proper belt. This one mostly applies to the young men. Maybe it's just me, but I don't quite understand how hoards of guys walk through the hall with their pants below their butts. Nobody needs to see your shorts with Spongebob on them. How is it possible that "skinny" jeans can hang that low? It looks uncomfortable and makes you walk funny (I kept my true vulgar comment out of this statement). So many times, I'll notice this when a kid is sitting at his desk. I ask him to stand up and pull up his pants. For some crazy reason, he stands and instead of pulling up his pants, he tries to pull down his shirt. It amazes me that they, many guys, think it is logically possible to make their shirt longer. What intrigues me even more is that they, in fact, are wearing belts. These usually are the kind that loop around the clasp. Do everyone a favor, get a belt that has a proper fastener and is the correct size. 2. Disinfecting wipes. I'm not saying that I'm a germaphobe.... ok, maybe I am. The 3 foot taped line that I surround my desk with during flu season, with a sign that says "do not cross", may be a little much, but it's an act of human survival in my eyes. Anyway, back to the point. We learned as kids to cover our noses and mouths with our hands when we sneezed or coughed (at least back in the day). In this decade the rules changed, and we are suppose to use the crooks of our elbows. However, colds and flu spread like wildfire, and it doesn't help that someone either: A. Sneezes all over the desk, or B. uses the hand covering technique then touches everything. Sometimes in a surprise sneezing or coughing attack, we just can't help it. I will not clean up after you, so bring wipes and clean your hands and desk. This way you won't spread the germs to the next kid who sits at the same desk and lays his head down out of boredom, only to miss school the next day. 3. A sippy cup While out to dinner this week, I heard a thump. As I looked over, there was a couple and their baby sitting at a table. She had a sippy cup full of milk that she threw on the floor. This was always a good invention and quite frankly, we all could use them. I would have saved myself a lot of money and the frustration of purchasing new clothes if I just carried a sippy cup. No spills, no stains. This is why I have resorted to wearing mostly black. Now my students are not suppose to have drinks or food in the classroom, but surprisingly they all have a bottle, can or cup of some sort with them. The promises of "I won't spill" make me laugh. It's even more hysterical when they think keeping it on the floor instead of on their desk is a better option. Sure enough, I hear a thump, and I see Gatorade, coffee or some other liquid on the floor. The other students see this, and then look at me while a hush falls over the crowd. Yet another reason for wipes, they work great on spills, as opposed to the brown school paper towels with no absorbent properties. Just get a sippy cup. As a side note, I still favor lunch boxes over paper bags for the same reason... things leak. If you need one, I believe there is still a red and yellow Bee Gees lunch box at my parents' house. It's shameful, I know. I love it, and you can have it if you need one. Now the final suggestion is pretty basic. Yet again, I see this several times during the year. 4. A book bag Students use these to carry books and other items needed. The 30 lb bag strapped to your back is not pleasant, but hard to forget. Many times I notice a kid who doesn't have his/her book or notebook, and that's ok. We all forget things sometimes, but why is it that the reason they are not prepared is because they forgot their book bag? You forgot an extra 30 lbs? That's like me saying "I forgot to get dressed this morning". I hear it all year and to this day, it baffles me. Keep it by the front door and grab it in the morning, but please don't forget it. That will just set the tone for the whole day. Oh, and please don't keep it in your car so you don't forget it. That just means you're not doing your assignments at night, and that leads to more problems. So there you have it, some common things that are needed and sometimes overlooked. I wish everyone a happy new school year and look forward to more drinks with Jess. Thanks for joining me.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Hurricane survival kit

Hello people. So since Hurricane Irene has just started to drench Philadelphia, I figured that I would discuss how to survive during a storm. After living in Miami, at a time of hurricane Floyd, and yet another Irene, I'm gonna take a nostalgic trip back for you all. So make a pitcher of hurricanes (the recipe is in this post) and enjoy many drinks with Jess.

Ah hurricanes, so destructive and yet so beautiful. I remember watching the clouds roll in over Coral Gables while staring out of my townhouse balcony windows. What excitement... and yet... I did not know a damn thing. I always loved weather and probably would have been a meteorologist, but I don't want to be the cheesy weather person with a Vaseline grin. So present day, I still have my windows open, listening to the storm and have devised a survival guide for hurricanes. It is really quite simple, so pour another and try to follow along. I'd like to note that these are all important and not in a specific order.

Drinks with Jess hurricane survival manual.

#1) Learn to make a hurricane

1 oz vodka
1/4 oz grenadine syrup
1 oz gin
1 oz light rum
1/2 oz Bacardi® 151 rum
1 oz amaretto almond liqueur
1 oz triple sec
grapefruit juice
pineapple juice

Pour all but the juices, in order listed, into a hurricane glass (or any glass/plastic cup etc.) three-quarters filled with ice. Fill with equal parts of grapefruit and pineapple juice, and serve. Note that this is for one serving, but for an actual hurricane, make enough for 4 days and try not to drink it in one.

#2) Don't waste your money on flashlights
First of all, you live in your house/apartment. You know where you've placed your furniture. And for God's sake, who will see you when the lights are out... no one. Hence you don't have to worry about matching. When we lost electricity in Miami, I had to pack for a trip. I opened my closet and just threw clothes into a suitcase. Luckily, I am highly organized with my couture so I knew which shelves I kept underwear (always optional), pants and shirts. I also mostly have black colored clothing, so I never had to worry about not matching. Most likely you will be at home by yourself, but if not, the other person won't be able to see you either, so don't spend money on flashlights. People still look good in the dark, if not... better.

#3) Always have plastic bags available
When I was young, my parents' didn't by us tons of shit. I am very glad for that. I do recall on Sunday mornings, they would throw a plastic bag at us. My sister and I made a game of it... how long you could keep it in the air. You could head it, hit it, kick it etc. We could spend hours doing this. No... we were not deprived. In addition, you can tie them over your shoes so your socks don't get wet and use them for trash or animal waste. Now in NE Philly, if you walk down Castor Ave., you will see old ladies covering their hair with them during bad weather. Plastic bags are quite versatile and cheap. Just save your grocery bags people... that's all I'm gonna say.

#4) Stock up on bungee chords, cigarettes and a case of beer (other liquors optional)
So during my first Miami hurricane, I was enthralled. Most people evacuated or stayed in. My dumb ass was so excited that I had a plan. I went to the gas station and bought a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes. I had bungee chords in my trunk from my move. So I put a plastic bag on my head and some on my body like a parka (hence tip #3) and strapped myself, with my beer and cigarettes, in a lawn chair to my balcony. It was so cool and four days worth of excitement. To watch the whole thing happen right before my eyes! I just love Mother Nature's wrath! Oh, on a side note, water is... I guess necessary. They sell it everywhere. The only difference is that in Florida, you can get alcohol and water in gas stations and supermarkets, but you can only by alcohol in the appropriate places here. And those places don't sell water! Plan accordingly.

#5) Surfboards or boogie boards are imperative
When I was a kid, I had a fascination with surfing, although, after my dad put me on his shoulders at the beach and I got knocked hard by a wave, I was afraid of the waves. I just held my board looking longingly at the ocean every summer. However, I quickly recall losing electricity and phone service during a hurricane (cell phones were not big at this time, and Facebook nor Twitter existed). So after numerous calls from my family and aunt, I wanted to tell them that I was safe. Now I'm not the most intelligent person in the world, especially in this situation. There was 4 feet of water on the ground and power lines were down. I decided to wade through the water, across the street, to a pay phone to make my calls. In the meantime, a family of 4 was electrocuted due to stepping on power lines in the water. I have learned from this that a surf board or boogie board is the transportation of choice. Even a kick board for the kids. And it's fun!

#6) No need for communication
This is an easy one. I saw on the news tag running across the screen to just make sure you put your name and social security number on a card and place it in your left shoe so they can identify you. How grim, but humorous. My mother nags me six times in one phone call, so no communication for a day or 4, puts my mind at ease. If you die, someone will let them know.

#7) Charcoal and propane is a must
First of all, no one should have a gas grill. Charcoal is original and quite frankly makes food taste better. I love smelling like my grill when I fall asleep! Anyway, when power is lost, it is a must if you love to cook such as I do. As far as propane, yes... it is for a gas grill. If you are really handy, you can get a saute station fueled by propane. I have one that my parents bought for my ex and I when she insisted on going camping during the summers. I hate camping and to OD on bug spray is not fun! But I digress. I wish I had a propane tank now, cause I would make one hell of an omelet tomorrow morning on the saute station!

#8) Waste your money on candles and stock up on matches
Matches are free at convenience stores and are needed to light grills and candles. Enough said. As far as candles, they look nice and smell good. Besides, if you are stuck with someone during a hurricane, you can make a romantic night of it. They are sensual, mysterious, and everyone looks good in candlelight. You can enjoy the hurricane with scary stories, a sensual massage and a candlelit dinner. Use it to your advantage... I always do!

#9) Oh yeah... I forgot about food
I know they say canned food is best for these situations, but do you really want to smell like tuna and choke on canned green beans? I suggest Cakesters or Twinkies for that sweet tooth. The preservatives alone will make them last forever. And who does not love cereal or peanut butter (unless you are allergic). You can deal without food for a long time, and besides, if you drink the whole time, you will forget to eat anyway. You can always get Chinese food before hand because it is also great when you eat Lo Mien cold!

#10)Have an Ouija board at your disposal
The game that most of us played in our youth. If you didn't... I am truly sorry. No game will ever be better in a dark, candlelit room, (except for the Kama Sutra spin game I have), than the Ouija board. And I'm sure, after a pitcher of hurricanes, you will be able to come up with some great deceased people to channel. It's comical, entertaining and creative. I've come up with many good ones... but I would love to channel Michael Jackson. I could act that one out well! Ooh... so much fun!

So there it is people. Follow these rules and you will enjoy any major storm that comes your way. So start pitcher number 2 and let it be a long night! Hope you enjoyed drinks with Jess. Until next time.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Ten rules to texting pictures

So after a long hiatus, I have returned. Thanks to the curiosity of "young people", I figured it would be advantageous to shut down for a bit. However on this beautiful August day, it's time to resurrect. So even though it's 10:30am on the east coast, grab yourself a bloody mary and enjoy a drink with Jess.

Today I am livid. The stupidity that is now determining our future is astonishing, but this I must reserve for a separate post. However, I will begin on the local level. This is a trend that I have varying opinions about. The naked picture text/email.

Celebrities do it, the average housewife does it, and yes... politicians do it. Is this a bad or good thing? I'm not quite sure, and I feel like a bit of a hypocrite because I have, at times, been sent some racy pictures from girls who happen to want my attention or just want to put me in better spirits on a bad day. Don't lie... nobody minds the occasional "Good morning baby" with pic included text to start your day. However, it is time to lay down the law and set some rules to the sexting extravaganza. So here it is people... Jess' top ten sexting rules that should be followed.

Rule #10 - Only once in a while
This is so important. Everything, every novelty, and like every reality show on tv.. it gets old. The saying "less is more" pertains to this rule. Surprises once in a while are great, so keep it at that. Besides, after a while, your phone memory is used up and you end up having to delete some of your favorite pics anyway.

Rule #9 - Cover it up
As opposed to the "less is more" concept. Full nudity is not necessary. Put a little something on. The imagination loves the exercise, and it keeps things exciting. And no... just a necklace or bracelet does not count!

Rule #8 - No cheesy messages
A word or two is great sometimes, but please, leave out "You know you want this" or "Look at this big guy". It makes you sound arrogant and believe it or not, nobody in this entire world is that great or perfect(except for maybe Kim Kardashian... love her) Get off your self proclaimed pedestal.

Rule #7 - Know yourself
Decide your own moral standing on this topic. As I have said, I don't mind the occasional pic being sent to me... from those I choose to have in my private life, but strangers on twitter or facebook need not text me. In fact, I don't care if it's a picture of your dog. If I don't know you, don't get my number from your friend and text me anything! I'm not your friend for a reason. In addition to this, do not feel the need to text pictures back if you receive one. I may enjoy receiving them, but I will never send one out. If you wanna see me... go out with me a few of times.

Rule #6 - Mirrors are not flattering
I see many examples of people (especially in news reports about politicians), who appear to be taking their picture while standing in front of a mirror. Go to glamour shots or something. Obviously you don't mind people seeing your junk, and like mirrors at Macy's or other department stores, it does not work like a rear view mirror. It does not make things appear larger, it makes something look like "it's just not working for me".

Rule #5 - No promotion needed
Catered to celebrities, like the old school "how did that get into the public?" sex tapes... we know you do this on purpose for promotion. A dead career resurrects quickly when a so-called "private text" is released. If you want to help your career, do it honestly or at least admit that you were hoping the pic would get out.

Rule #4 - Send it to the correct person
This one is easy. Make sure you send the picture/text to the right person. We have all had moments where we send the general text to the wrong address in the phone. I have had many friends "butt" text me by accident when driving or bending over thinking their phone is safe in the back pocket.

Rule #3 - Get active
Obesity is a killer in our society. With that being said, please people, make sure you are slightly attractive and especially in shape if you are going to disrobe for a picture. The camera adds ten pounds anyway. I was appalled by the news this morning as I was looking at the naked picture released. You may hold a position of power, but that is not a turn on these days. Pictures don't show your power... but they obviously show your gut. But I'm glad that you think you look good. I won't even be caught dead in a bathing suit, and I'm damn more fit and attractive than you.

Rule #2 - Politicians, teachers or any other people in lead roles.
We are suppose to be role models, leaders and people with integrity. When in this type of position in society, never send a pic. It ruins your credibility, it sacrifices your career and quite honestly, makes you look like a scumbag. Enough said.

Rule #1 - Married folk/people with kids.
This constitutes a form of cheating, unless you only send this to your wife or husband... in that case it is quite simply flirtation and spicing things up. Sending it to someone other than your partner is deplorable and ruins a marriage (or relationship). And seriously, think of your kids. They don't want to see you walking around the house in tighty-whities, so why would you think that 22 million people eventually looking at this picture on tv will not embarrass them. Kids are embarrassed when hanging out with friends and you walk into the room, so why the hell would you set them up for further ridicule.

Wow.. that was long. Pour yourself another. Again, think of your own moral in regards to this topic. If you choose to send pictures to someone, that is no one's business but your own. I don't judge. However, the rules above are set to make it an enjoyable experience and save the rest of the world from the ghastly pictures that we have seen lately in public view. I hope you enjoyed drinks with Jess... until next time.